Love or Duty Read online

  She was jerked back to the present by the sound of the front door opening and she almost dropped her cup and saucer. She knew it was foolish to be afraid of James and she chided herself for her weakness. Hadn’t he lovingly looked after her these past few days? But she was always apprehensive, wondering what sort of mood he’d be in.

  He looked surprised when he came into the kitchen and saw her and she quailed inwardly at the expression on his face. But it was gone in an instant and he came over and took her hands.

  ‘Are you sure you should be up, darling?’ he asked. He turned to speak to someone in the doorway. ‘She really has been quite poorly, Doctor.’

  Louise struggled upright. ‘How kind of you to call, Doctor. But it’s only a summer cold.’

  ‘I intended to make a neighbourly call anyway and when James told me you’d been under the weather, I decided to come straight away.’

  She forced a smile. ‘I’m feeling much better now. James worries too much.’

  The old doctor sat opposite and felt her glands, looked at her tonsils and took her pulse. ‘A bit more than a summer cold, my dear,’ he said. ‘You must look after yourself. Perhaps you should start taking that tonic again.’

  Louise groaned inwardly. She hated being treated like an invalid. She was about to protest when she felt James’s firm hand on her shoulder. ‘An excellent idea – don’t you think so, darling?

  She nodded, not wanting to argue in front of the doctor. Perhaps he knew best anyway. Besides, she didn’t have to take the horrible stuff. She’d pour it away as she’d done before if she didn’t think it was doing her any good.

  The doctor fastened his bag and stood up. As he was about to leave he said, ‘How is young Sarah these days?’

  Before Louise could reply, James laughed. ‘She’s quite the star. We’re very proud of her, aren’t we, darling?’ He shook hands with the doctor and saw him out.

  When he came back in he said to Louise, ‘I didn’t want you telling him we hadn’t heard from her. We don’t want people thinking she’s no time for us now she’s a big star.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s why she hasn’t written, James. I’m worried about her. What if she’s in trouble?’

  James gave a cruel laugh. ‘Worried about her? Don’t waste your time. She’s always been self-centred. Probably having such a good time she’s forgotten all about her family.’

  Louise didn’t reply. She was sure that Sarah, despite her occasional thoughtlessness, wouldn’t abandon her altogether. It was more likely that her letters weren’t getting through.

  Despite James’s protests, Louise refused the tonic the doctor had prescribed. She couldn’t help thinking of her previous illness and her suspicions that James had meddled with her medicine. Why else would she have felt so much worse? She was now sure Dr Tate hadn’t made a mistake.

  ‘I’m perfectly all right,’ she told James. ‘It was just a summer cold. Please don’t fuss.’

  ‘It’s only because I’m concerned, darling.’ He used the wheedling tone she’d come to despise. She was convinced now that the reason he was nicer to her when she was ill was that he could manipulate her more easily.

  Once she’d realized that, it was easier to believe that he’d been keeping her sedated. Well, he wouldn’t get the chance again. From now on, she’d be very careful. But why was he doing this? She’d never openly gone against his wishes and her only bid for independence had been her involvement with the WVS. But he could hardly object to that; everybody had to contribute to the war effort.

  Now she answered him in a conciliatory tone. ‘It’s lovely that you care but I really do feel better.’ She didn’t think it was the right moment to confess that she’d poured the contents of the bottle away.

  James seemed to accept her decision and gave her a kiss on the cheek but his tone was acid when he said, ‘Perhaps you’ll summon up the energy to iron my best shirt then. I have an important meeting tonight.’

  After he’d gone, Louise remained in the hall for some minutes, biting back her anger. Why had it taken her so long to realize his true nature? Her resentment coalesced into a small rebellion. His shirt could wait. She picked up her handbag and put on her hat and jacket. She’d go down to the WVS centre and do some work. If Muriel was there she might get a chance to blow off some steam. She’d always tried to be loyal, not to run James down to her friend. But it might make her feel better to share her opinion of the man she’d married, especially knowing that Muriel agreed. She wouldn’t tell her friend her suspicions though.

  In the past few weeks the town had filled up with service personnel of all nationalities – Canadians, Poles, Americans – and there was a feeling of excitement in the air. Something was about to happen – and soon.

  When Louise got to the WVS canteen she was welcomed enthusiastically as the soldiers queued up for their tea and biscuits. The hall was noisy with banter and laughter but Louise could sense the underlying tension in their voices.

  After a hurried greeting there was no time to talk to Muriel but keeping busy took Louise’s mind off her troubles for a while. When the last currant bun had disappeared and the men were drifting out of the door, summoned by a sergeant’s whistle, she took off her apron and ran her hands through her hair. She was exhausted but more content than she’d been for weeks.

  These young men would soon be embarking on a perilous venture that everyone hoped would put an end to the long war. The realization helped to put her problems into perspective.

  Muriel came across and said, ‘You look whacked. Let’s get out of here.’

  ‘I ought to go home,’ Louise said when they were outside, breathing in the tangy sea air. She was thinking of the ironing that waited for her and of James’s displeasure when he found she hadn’t done as he’d asked.

  ‘I hoped you’d come to the pictures this afternoon. I’ve missed our outings,’ Muriel said.

  ‘So have I. I feel so cut off from everything. Not even a newspaper. James stopped the deliveries and buys one on the way to the office. He’s always forgetting to bring it home.’ She took Muriel’s arm. ‘Yes, let’s go. Even if the film’s not very good, I’d like to see the newsreel.’

  ‘There’s a Leslie Howard film on today – such a shame about him being killed. I heard a rumour that he was a spy.’

  ‘That’s ’cause he played a sort of spy in that film, Pimpernel Smith.’

  ‘I don’t suppose we’ll ever know.’

  They hurried towards the Picturedrome, relieved that today there wasn’t a queue, and settled in their seats just as the newsreel started. After showing scenes of the bomb damage in Southampton, the film switched to a scene of tropical jungle and ‘our brave boys in Burma’.

  The voiceover announced that during brief moments away from the fighting they were being entertained by the latest singing sensation, straight from Hollywood – the lovely Sally Charles.

  Louise sat up straight in her seat and gasped. Sarah? Was it really her?

  Muriel clutched at her arm. ‘Is that…? Yes it is – it’s your sister.’ She turned to Louise, ignoring the shushing from the seats behind them. ‘You didn’t tell me….’

  ‘I didn’t know,’ Louise whispered. When Muriel started to question her, she shook her head. ‘I’ll tell you later.’

  Tears rolled down her cheeks as the camera moved in for a close-up and Sarah began to sing Pennies from Heaven.

  When the main film started, she hardly took it in, despite it starring her favourite actor, and she didn’t realize it had finished until Muriel nudged her. She followed her friend out of the cinema, her head still reeling from the discovery that Sarah had not only changed her name but had left America. No wonder I haven’t heard from her, she thought.

  Muriel shook her arm. ‘Why didn’t you tell me Sarah had changed her name? I read something about this Sally Charles in the paper but didn’t realize who it was.’

  ‘I knew about her name change but I thought she was still in Hollywood.’ L
ouise took out a hankie and blew her nose. ‘I haven’t heard from her for ages. I write every week but get no reply. I was beginning to get worried; worse still – I thought she didn’t want to know us any longer.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. Sarah’s not like that. It’s most likely letters aren’t getting through, especially now she’s out in Burma.’

  Muriel’s common sense reassured Louise. ‘You’re probably right. But how was I to know where she was? And what happened to her film career?’

  They were walking up the high street and Louise suddenly caught sight of the clock over the town hall. ‘Oh, goodness, I should be getting home,’ she exclaimed, quickening her footsteps.

  As she started to hurry away, Muriel said, ‘So it was Sarah in that film we saw last year? The one about the sultan starring Sally Charles? No wonder we didn’t recognize her.’

  She obviously wanted to discuss it further but Louise said a hasty goodbye. She had recognized Sarah and felt bad about keeping it from her friend. She’d thought Muriel might think less of her sister for appearing in a film like that. But why should she be ashamed? Besides, it looked as if Sarah had changed direction and gone back to singing. So long as she was happy, Louise didn’t care. But she did wish her sister had told her what she up to.

  When she got home James was waiting, the un-ironed shirt dangling from his hand. ‘Where have you been?’ he asked, his face a mask of fury.

  ‘At the WVS centre,’ she said. It wasn’t like her to be evasive but this wasn’t the moment to say she’d been at the pictures, still less to tell him what she’d discovered about her sister.

  ‘You’re lying. They told me you left hours ago,’ he said.

  ‘How dare you accuse me of lying,’ she said, anger overcoming her usual submissiveness. ‘I was there. I just didn’t come straight home.’

  ‘You’ve been with another man,’ James accused, thrusting his face close to hers. ‘Who is he?’

  She stepped back, flinching. ‘I was with Muriel if you must know – not that it’s any business of yours who my friends are. I don’t question you….’

  ‘It is my business when you’re supposed to be here.’ He flicked the shirt, catching her across the face and stinging her eyes.

  She tried to move away but he did it again. Shocked, she began to whimper. ‘Please don’t….’ He’d never been physically violent before.

  ‘I’m going to teach you a lesson,’ he said, making a grab for her.

  Terrified now, she pushed past him and made for the stairs but he caught hold of her ankle and dragged her down. She fell, hitting her head on the bottom step. It wasn’t hard enough to knock her out but she staggered as she scrambled up.

  James was beside her, instantly contrite. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you all right?’

  She nodded, clutching her head as pain surged through her.

  He put his arms round her. ‘Darling, I hate it when we quarrel. But you make me so angry. Why can’t you just…?’ He choked on a sob.

  Louise sighed. He was doing it again. Trying to make her feel as if it were her fault. Part of her wanted to agree, to tell herself that if she’d come straight home from the WVS and ironed his shirt, everything would be all right. The other half of her seethed with rebellion. Why shouldn’t she have a little time to herself, time to enjoy being with friends? Why should her life be all drudgery and duty?

  James helped her to her feet and kissed her. ‘There, darling. Thank goodness you’re all right. Just a silly misunderstanding that’s all.’ He followed her into the kitchen and said, ‘Did you forget I was going out tonight? Never mind, I’ll pour you a drink while you iron my shirt.’

  Louise’s head was spinning and she felt sick but she did as he wanted. It was easier to give in. As she ironed, she tried to summon up the anger she’d felt earlier, resolving not to be so spineless in future. It wasn’t as if James had ever been physically violent before. She shouldn’t let mere words hurt her. But then she remembered the contemptuous look on his face as he flicked the shirt in her face and the murderous rage in his eyes as he’d threatened to teach her a lesson. She was sure he’d been about to hit her.

  For a moment she’d been terrified but her terror had faded with his change of mood and now she tried to convince herself that he wouldn’t intentionally hurt her.

  As he came back into the room and held out his hand for the shirt, she forced herself not to flinch away from him. She wouldn’t let him see her fear.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  For a while after the incident with the shirt, James was much nicer to Louise. It was as if he was ashamed of losing his temper and was trying to make it up to her. He’d stopped inviting his friends round for cards and drinks, always came home for his meals and seemed content to spend the evenings he was not on ARP duty sitting with her and listening to the wireless.

  Occasionally he seemed restless, getting up and pacing the room, a glass in his hand. But he seldom drank to excess these days – not surprising, thought Louise, as the contents of her father’s cellar had long since gone and spirits were virtually unobtainable unless on the black market.

  She guessed his agitation was due to money worries but, fearful of breaking the fragile peace between them, she hesitated to ask. The one time she’d mentioned it he’d brushed her off saying, ‘It’s all under control. I don’t want you worrying about it.’

  Wary of setting off another black mood, she let the subject drop. Besides, she couldn’t summon up the energy to really take an interest. In fact, she had little interest in anything these days. She hadn’t even gone back to the WVS canteen and, since neither Muriel nor Mrs Wilson had telephoned to ask why, she hadn’t felt inclined to make the effort.

  She sat opposite James now, pretending to concentrate on her knitting as he turned the pages of his newspaper. But she could tell he wasn’t really reading it.

  He looked up suddenly and caught her watching him. ‘What are you staring at?’ he barked. ‘Do you realize how daft you look, sitting there staring into space like that?’

  ‘I was thinking,’ she said.

  ‘Huh, thinking.’ His short laugh was filled with contempt.

  So, the brief respite was over, she thought. James was back to his normal sarcastic self. When he went back to his paper, her stomach was churning. Why did he have to be so nasty? What had she done?

  She began to shake and, to cover her nervousness, she got up and put away her knitting. ‘I’ll go and make the cocoa, James.’

  He folded his paper and switched off the wireless. ‘I’ll do it. You go on up. You look tired.’ He bent and kissed her cheek.

  She was sitting up in bed, still feeling unsettled by his change of mood, when he came in with the mug of cocoa. ‘Drink it up,’ he urged.

  He watched as she drank, patted her shoulder and took the mug away. ‘I’ll be up later. Sleep well,’ he said.

  But it was a sleep of troubled dreams. Sarah was calling out to her, begging her to write. When she woke, her brain still foggy from the dream, James was already up. She could hear him moving around downstairs. She stumbled out of bed and went over to the dressing table. ‘Pen, paper,’ she mumbled. ‘I must write….’

  The door opened and James came in. ‘What are you doing?’ he asked.

  ‘I want to write to Sarah. I’m sure she’s in trouble.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. How could you know that?’ James put down the tray he was carrying and came over to her. ‘Why do you waste your time worrying about her? The selfish bitch hasn’t been in touch for months. I can just imagine her out there, surrounded by adoring soldiers. She’s having the time of her life, probably never gives you a thought.’

  Louise put her head in her hands and began to sob. ‘I don’t believe that. Besides, I can’t help worrying about her. It’s dangerous where she is. How do I know she hasn’t been…?’

  James stroked her hair. ‘Please, darling, don’t get upset. I didn’t mean to sound harsh. I just g
et angry on your behalf.’ He pulled her to her feet. ‘Now stop crying and get back into bed. I’ve brought you some breakfast and a nice cup of tea.’

  He settled her with pillows behind her back and laid the tray across her lap. ‘Now, I want you to stay there and have a nice rest. There’s no need to get up at all. I’ll be out all day and I’ll bring some fish and chips home for our supper.’

  He turned at the door, smiling. ‘And be sure to eat up your breakfast. You must keep your strength up.’

  When he’d gone, Louise tried to eat the toast he’d prepared but her mouth was too dry to swallow. She took a couple of sips of the tea but it had gone cold. Deciding to make some fresh, she pushed the tray aside and got up, but her legs were shaking and she sat down abruptly on the side of the bed.

  ‘I will not be ill again,’ she muttered, forcing herself to stand and make her way downstairs. There was nothing wrong with her; she was just tired, that’s all. At least she couldn’t blame the tonic. She’d gone through the medicine cabinet and thrown out everything, even the little bottle of aspirin she kept for emergencies. Thank goodness James hadn’t seen her in this state. He would send for Dr Tate straight away. But Louise had lost confidence in the old doctor since her last illness and she had resolved not to take any more medicine.

  Her head was still pounding but after forcing herself to eat some toast and drink a cup of tea she started to feel better. I’ll write to Sarah, she thought, the dream still vivid in her mind. No recriminations, she decided, and no whining about her own situation. She’d just write a chatty friendly letter congratulating her on her singing success and wishing her well.

  Her hand shook as she sat down at the desk in James’s study, but she gripped the pen firmly and began to write. Once she started, she found herself pouring it all out, even her suspicions that James had been trying to poison her.